


I don´t need to be saved

by FrancesVoorhees



Series: Maledictionem Vitae [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Addiction, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alcoholic Dean, Angst, Blood Loss, Depressed Dean, Depression, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Drug Withdrawal, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Hurt, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jealousy, Loss of Control, Loss of Innocence, Mark of Cain, Self-Destruction, Self-Hatred, Sexual Violence, Smut, Tattoos, Triggers, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-05
Updated: 2017-12-21
Packaged: 2018-05-11 23:24:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5645602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrancesVoorhees/pseuds/FrancesVoorhees
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens after the reader embraces the mark of cain? What will happen to the relationship with the brothers? Can she be saved? What happens to Dean after the mark is gone? Can he handle his depressions, the guilt and nightmares? Will his alcohol problem increase? </p><p>We will see...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The girl who loved the monsters

**Author's Note:**

> This is the second part of the Maledictionem Vitae Series.
> 
> Hope you enjoy, let me know what you think ;)
> 
> See tags for warnings

Y/N waited outside the bar for her contact to show. Dressed in a tight ripped jeans, boots and a top that was cut out at the back with a pentagram on the front, she leaned against the wall, smoking a cigarette. „Hey sweetheart, I thought I´d never see you again.“ the man smiled. „You´re late Jon. We had a date 20 minutes ago.“ „What? Straight to business and not even a hug after such a long time?“ Y/N sighed annoyed. „Alright...if we can get to business then.“ The man named Jon pulled her into a tight hug, grabbing her ass. „I really missed you, ya know?“ He looked into her eyes and kissed her hard. She could feel the mark start to burn again as he kissed her. Yanking at his hair, she pulled away. „That´s enough! I´m not here for sex.“ He grinned at her. „But you used to like fucking with me when you were high.“ She stepped away from him, giving him a dark smile. „Well, I´ve changed. Now, I just want something to relax.“

„Fuck! Sam, where is she??“ Dean was yelling for his brother through the halls of the bunker after finding Y/N has left without a word. „I don´t know Dean. But this may be a chance for us to have a look at her room without getting caught.“ Although he wasn´t feeling too good about snooping around, he gave his brother a nod. They went straight for Y/N´s room, each of them taking one side of the room, searching for anything suspicious. But they didn´t find something that didn´t belong into every hunters room. „Dean, I hate to say it, but there´s nothing unusual here. We should leave her room now before she comes back.“ Dean seemed kinda disappointed as they went back into the living room, grabbing a beer and sitting down on the couch. „Maybe you really want something to be wrong with her.“ „Are you nuts Sam? I´m telling you, she was acting weird when we...you know...Maybe she´s on drugs again...“ „Dean, if she was, we should have found something. Maybe you just want something to be wrong with her because you feel bad for what you did.“ The older Winchester had to amit that his brother had a point. He did feel bad, even more since he got rid of the mark. But was this all really just his imagination? He thought about the way Y/N was when she moved in with them, when she was a drug addict and then what she was like after they got her clean, when she became herself again. Lovely, sweet, funny, warm hearted, sometimes silly. She never acted in any way that she did when he was intimate with her...no, not intimate..it was animalistic. „Dean? Dean!!“ Sam shouted at his brother who was obviously deep lost in his thoughts. „What?“ „Leave it be Dean, there´s nothing wrong with her. Just promise me that you won´t do anything stupid.“ Dean sighed. „Fine, I promise...“

She got everything she needed as she felt the mark begin to burn again. Y/N got in the front seat, heading for the nearest bar. It was only a 10 minute drive until she arrived and parked the car. She looked at herself in the mirror, fixing her hair and clothes before getting out of the car and entering the not so crowded bar. Sitting down on a stool, she ordered a vodka. It didn´t take long before a guy sat down besides her, trying to hit on her. He was already drunk. „So sweety, how ´bout we get somewhere more private?“ he said as he touched her thigh. She could feel the anger and bloodlust rise again. The mark needed to be satisfied. „Ok, lets get to my car. It´s just outside.“ She grabbed his hand and took him with her...  
As she opened her eyes, she found herself lying in the back of her car, covered in blood, the dead body of the guy that she hooked up with besides her. She started to panick, what has she done? She couldn´t remember anything after going to the bar. „Fuck...what did I do???“ She thought that she really should get rid of the body before anyone saw him. Calming herself down with the help of some ´medication`, she drove to the nearest lake and threw the now dead guy into it, hoping that he wouldn´t be found anytime soon, before she cleaned herself up.

Dean was trying really hard to calm himself down and relax, but failed.  
Y/N still hadn´t returned to the bunker. Where the hell was she? He went for the kitchen and took out a bottle of Jack Daniels, drinking straight out of it. The familiar burn of the alcohol calmed his nerves a bit. Taking the bottle with him, he went for the showers. He suddenly stopped as he saw that Y/N was standing in the door frame, smiling at him. „Hey Dean!“ she said with the warm smile he had missed so much before. „Hey, where have you been? You just left.“ She came closer and hugged him. „I was just shopping. Didn´t want to bother the two of you with that girly stuff.“ she winked at him. „Oh, ok. I´m just glad you´re back and safe.“ She was still holding him close. So close that he could smell her freshly washed hair, the scent of vanilla and cinammon. Dean rubbed her back and she sighed. „Well, I think I´m gonna take a nap. Shopping always makes me tired.“ He let her free of the hug, smiling at her. „Yeah, you should do that. You really look a bit tired.“ Dean kissed her forehead before she turned around and headed for her room. „I love you...“ he whispered so low she couldn´t hear it.

When she was finally in her bedroom, she let out a relieved sigh. It was hard to play along...to play the innocent girl the boys used to know. Neither of them could get to know what she was doing. She locked her door, sat down on her bed and pulled out the things she bought from Jon, placing them on her bed. She reached under her bed, pulling out a small black box with a keylock. Opening it, she took out a syringe, a needle and one of the viles she bought from Jon, the rest of her „shopping“ was placed in the little box. She rose the content of the vile into the syringe and slowly pushed the needle into her vein, pushing the plunger slowly down as she laid her head onto the pillow, getting really relaxed as the drugs kicked in.... She opened her eyes as she heard a knock on her door. „Y/N?“ it was Sam, calling her name. „Mmhh, yeah Sam?“ she mumbled. „You still asleep? I made us dinner, we wait in the kitchen for you.“ „Ok, I´ll be right there..“ She could hear that Sam left downstairs. Sighing, she swung her legs off the bed and put every evidence of what she´s done into the black box, pushing it under her bed again before she checked herself in the mirror. Suddenly she heard a chuckle behind her. And turned around. „Well, well..do the boys know what you´re playing with?“ Crowley said smiling at her. „What the fuck are you doing here Crowley?“ she hissed. „Is that any way to treat an old friend, darlin?“  
Y/N laughed at him. „Hah, a friend? You? Just because I kissed you back then? Let me tell you something Crowley, you´re not a friend at all. You´re the king of hell, we´re enemies and I hate you. Just because the boys need your help sometimes doesn´t make you buddies!“ Crowley frowned, then he stepped closer to her, grabbing her arm. „And if I would tell them what you´re doing behind their backs? You really think they´re gonna like it, pet?“ „If you tell them, I finish you. Besides, you really think they´re gonna believe a demon more than me?“ she hissed at him. With one smoothe movement, she freed her arm off the king and turned around, leaving him with a hurt expression. Then she opened her door and went downstairs to the kitchen.

 


	2. The man who laughs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this part is kinda short.

Dean and Sam were already sitting at the kitchen table, eating the cheeseburgers Sam had made for dinner. When she sat down on a chair, the brothers were looking at her. „There you are. Did you sleep well? You still look tired.“ Dean said. She shrugged and took a bite of her burger. „Dean, shove it..“ Sam mumbled. „What? I was just asking if she slept well. I´m concerned,ok?That´s all.“ „Guys, can you please stop fighting?“ she sighed. „I think I caught a cold or something, nothing more. There´s nothing wrong with me. So please, can we skip this part?“ The brothers looked at her, feeling guilty. She was right. „Yeah, sorry Y/N.“ She put the burger aside and stood up.   
„I´m gonna get back to bed. Promise me that you stop argueing.“ she said turning around and heading upstairs for her room. `I really need a fix...or a kill...´she thought as she locked her bedroom door behind her.

Dean shook his head...he still couldn´t believe everything was alright with her. But that wasn´t his biggest concern. More likely, it was the hole the disappearance of the mark has left inside of him. He tried a whole lot of things to fill it...sex with random women he picked up at bars, working out, working cases... Nothing really helped except for the drinking. Dean knew it was dangerous to increase the amount of alcohol to his already existing drinking habit, but he was out of options to fight his pain, the feelings and the nightmares. And the strange behaviour of Y/N didn´t make it any better. `God...I need to get some alone time and get drunk..´Dean thought. „Hey Sammy, I´m gonna go on a supply run and stop by a bar. You need something?“ he asked his brother who was still eating his burger. Sam shook his head. „Nah, thanks dude, I´m good. I just gonna get some sleep when I´m done eating. You have a good time but don´t hit the booze too hard.“ he smiled at his older brother, concern in his voice. „You know me Sam.“ „That´s why I said it.“ Dean grimaced but still forced himself to play along and smile. „Yeah...I guess you´re right. See ya later.“ He stood up, grabbed his jacket and his car keys and left the bunker to distract himself.

Once Dean arrived at the nearest bar, parking his baby at a secure space, he couldn´t stop his thoughts. Was he going insane...was he just imagining things...was there something wrong with him instead of Y/N...why the hell did he actually MISS the goddamn mark on his arm??? „Fuck...“ he mumbled and scratched his neck.   
He sat down on a stool and ordered two shots and a beer. „Here you go honey“ the female bartender said, winking at him. Without a word, he downed the shots as he already ordered another round. „You should slow down sweetheart. You just arrived here, I don´t want to drag your ass out of here just after a few minutes.“ she smiled at him. „Yeah...whatever...“ Dean mumbled and gulped down his beer and the shots... 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are always welcome ;)


	3. Monster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N embraces her new self and Dean is getting worse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that it took so long for a new chapter to arrive. But life was crazy and busy as hell. As always , I hope you enjoy - comments and kudos are always welcome. I promise that there will be more (and longer) chapters really soon ;)

Chapter 3 – Monster

Pacing her room up and down, she didn´t know what to do. The itch was getting stronger every minute, the craving almost unbearable. She scratched at the mark on her arm absent minded. ´Need to kill...need to kill..come on, do it. You want to...`. She shook her head, she must be imaginaring the fact that the mark was talking to her. ' Maybe I should just take another shot...maybe this will calm the mark and the bloodlust down a little...' she thought to herself. What had she done to herself. Not only that she was a recovering now relapsed junkie, no...now she had the Mark of Cain with the burden of the lust to kill as well. It no longer mattered to her what the brothers thought, what Dean might feel about her, what she used to feel for the older Winchester. The only two things that mattered to her were the drugs and the killing. 'This can´t be good..' she laughed bitterly at herself. 

After 10 rounds of beer and shots, Dean was no longer able to sit straight on the stool at the bar. He felt dizzy and some kind of warmness inside of him, something he had missed for too long since the mark was gone for good. But even in this state, he couldn´t stop thinking about Y/N and what was going on with her; why the Mark of Cain suddenly disappeared from his arm although there should be no way for it to be gone. That´s what Crowley said...that´s what Cain said...that´s what Cas said....but still – it was gone all of a sudden. And now Dean felt empty and somehow lost. „Darlin´- I really think you´ve had enough for tonight. You should go home and sleep it off“ the bartender said to him. Dean shook his head, which was a bad idea cause his head started to get dizzy from the sudden action. „Nah...m good...gimme some more...“ he slurred. „No way – not from me sweetheart. I´m gonna call you a cab.“ She turned around and left him alone. 'Ah...fuck it..' Dean thought and got up, trying to get a grip on the wooden table to avoid falling on his butt. He slurred towards the exit, fumbling for his car keys as Cas stood right in front of him. „I don´t think you should be driving now, Dean.“ the Angel said concerned. „Let me get you home.“ and without a warning, he touched his forehead and everything went black.

 

Y/N couldn´t stand the itch anymore. Even after another fix it wouldn´t stop. So she took her leather jacket and her keys and sneaked out of her room, hoping that she wouldn´t wake the brothers. She tiptoed down the stairs and into the garage where her car was parked, right in time before Cas could see her as he brought Dean home from his drinking trip. Y/N started her car and drove away, not knowing where to go. There was only one thing she was sure of: she needed to kill....


	4. Blood and Chaos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The story continues and goes darker..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: there are some triggers in this chapter. So be careful when reading it. It may trigger some people.

Chapter 4: Blood and Chaos

She arrived at the Moonlight bar 20 minutes after she left the bunker. The itch of the mark was getting stronger every minute, and as soon as she stopped her car, it was almost unbearable. 'Do it....do it..do it...' the mark whispered to her. 

Dean awoke in his bed with a headache from hell. How the hell did he get here? The last thing he remembered was him drinking himself unconscious at a bar. „How do you feel Dean?“ He turned his head to the voice, which his head thanked him with another wave of pain and nausea. The voice came from Sam who was standing at his doorframe. „Just peachy...how the hell did I get here anyway?“ His brother came closer and sat down on Dean´s bed. „Cas brought you here. He said you were totally drunk and that you tried to drive with your car.“ Sam looked concerned. „What is wrong with you Dean? Why are you doing this to yourself?“ Dean shook his head and looked away. „That´s none of your business. Besides, I´m not doing anything to myself.“ „Yes you are Dean. You drink nearly 24/7, you don´t really sleep, you don´t talk to me. What is it that´s bothering you?“ Dean stood up from his bed, heading towards his bathroom. „This conversation is over Sam. You can leave now.“ and with that, he entered the bathroom and locked the door to shut his brother out again. 

It didn´t take long for Y/N to get hit by a stranger. „Hey sweetheart. All alone here? Mind if I buy you a drink?“ Y/N smiled devilishly. That was going well. „Not at all. But I´d prefer if we just could leave this place and go somewhere more private.“ she winked at him. The guy´s face lightened up. „Sure thing babe. I´m all yours.“ They left the bar and walked towards Y/N car. The guy – what was his name? - pushed her against the door and tried to kiss her. „Not here babe. Let´s get in the car“ she said smiling. „Fuck....you´re so goddamn hot. You really drive me crazy.“ 'That´s right...that´s the way...you´re gonna feel so much better..' the mark whispered...

When she came back to her senses, she could already smell the blood. She slowly opened her eyes and saw why she could smell blood. The motel room, which she couldn´t remember she had booked, looked like a crime scene after a massacre. There was blood everywhere – on the floor, on the walls, on the sheets. The guy she hooked up with, was lying face down on the floor. Y/N was scared to turn him around, afraid of what he might look like. But she had to know. She had to know what she had done, what the mark had made her do. Carefully, she stepped closer to the body and turned him on his back. What she saw should have shocked her – his face was a bloody mess, he had several stab wounds, it was nearly impossible to recognize the guy. But she felt no regret. On the contrary – she kinda liked his destroyed body and a grin appeared on her face...

Dean was sitting on the edge of the bathtub with a knife in his hands. He had cut himself several times, blood was dripping from his arms and chest onto the floor, leaving a red puddle. He took a deep breath and he had to admit that he felt a little better than before. This was no healthy behaviour, he knew that. But at the moment he couldn´t care less about his well-being. All he wanted was to forget, to be numb, to be able to shut the pain and depressions out of his mind...

**Author's Note:**

> I don´t own any of the Supernatural characters, only the characters I invented in this story.


End file.
